Becoming

So much is going on that I have no words to describe it...so I won't. This is what I'm becoming...
This is where I started...

To be continued...

Letting Go

RIP
1-17-11
I woke up with a headache after a night of petite mal seizures and can't think clearly this morning. I "get" that this will be my last "session". I "get" that my brain is being rewired and my old personality has been replaced. bethbarnes no longer exists. I wear her shell like a Halloween costume, her memories are fading. I also realize I'm playing a dangerous game of controlled insanity. This has the potential of turning out very badly. Edinger in his book "Ego and Archetype" would definitely agree. He's a Jungian who lays out the process of going from the little self to the SELF, but this is going beyond that.

My dreams reflect the transition. In one I find a huge basement where I can finally settle. In my real life I have not unpacked for almost two years. The basement is spotless except for a few boxes neatly stacked. I hang colorful curtains in the center to make a room and decorate. I find a door in the corner that opens up to a theater that is setting up for concerts and I'm thrilled. ( I'd rather send my Energy into music than slot machines.) When I return to my room water starts rising and at that point is past my ankle.
The next dream is of a woman wearing ancient clothes, climbing up a spiral staircase with a crowd following her. As she climbs her face changes.
And then there is the one of going to LA to work with DB.
1-18
Last nights dream was of a being retrieved by ETs after an extensive purification. As they fly me across the sky there is a sonic boom which starts fires which lightly scorch things below.

However, there has also been an increase in coincidence making my mother a bit nervous. She needs her life orderly and predictable. The Book Club Ladies were reminiscing. Had anyone ever read the "Good Earth"? It had been since High School for Mom and I. For some reason that reminded me of "Going Tribal", an old TV show where some guy named Bruce lives with various tribes around the world. I think maybe it was two days later that both were on.This had happened a couple of months earlier when we brought up "God's Little Acre". I hadn't seen it since I was a kid at the drive-in. The next night it was on TCM. There was so much more to it than I had realized at 5.There seems to be a theme here...People living on God's acre on the good earth.
My energy has increased dramatically after deflecting negative vibs. On a scale of 1-10 I'm at a 6 and expect to be at 10 by the end of the month. I've never been beyond 4 before. It caused me to reread the Celestine Prophecy's Insights on control dramas and gathering energy..
http://www.celestinevision.com/insights.html
http://www.drbrucegoldberg.com/EnergyVampires.htm

I wrote this last week and had decided not to include it in my blog. After the tragedy in Tucson this weekend it seems timely. I was afraid that my way of dealing with "evil" would seem naive. Unless you understand how words and thought can direct energy.
In the Garden of Good and Evil
1-7-11
I never have nightmares but the dream I just woke up to was pretty close. It sort of gels everything I've been working through lately. Without going in to it much the dream was about walking a path on my way to the River and the adventures with along the way. The very end of the Dream was of having a tiny barky dog made of bubble wrap with no teeth chomp on to my hand. Obviously the threat is more an annoyance than a terror. But it wears you down just the same. The Dream brought to the surface all the good and evil I have been having to deal with this past year. A dream scrapbook if you will. Sometimes I need something "in my face" because I tend to wear rose colored glasses.

I woke up pondering on how to deal with evil. Sometimes it comes with a smile and a bouquet of roses. Almost always actually. I'm worn out from dealing with evil. I have not been very successful in the past in protecting myself. I'm not very big or imposing. I draw control freaks to me because It's so easily to talk over me. I don't believe in violence and I do not want to attract any karma by being negative. I don't feel that turning the other cheek was interpreted correctly. We are not meant to be a doormat. I think it means to turn away our attention and the loss of energy will end the situation. I believe that but it is not easy to do.

Neither do I feel that there is a struggle between good and evil. They are not equal I believe. The analogy that I use is of a candle in the darkness and I recently ran across this also in the Bible. The Light of a candle will overcome the darkness of a room, but darkness can not put out the candle. I don't believe that you fight evil but rise above it. Take the High Road and let it go. Still not easy. It is often complicated. One has to have Faith that it will work which has taken me over fifty years to develop.

One tool that I have been using is starting the day with putting a Bubble of Protection around me. I've been working with this for a year now. This is my subjective view of it. How can I prove such a thing? Yet, I try to approach this as a "scientist" by living my theories and then analyzing the results. If a+b=c then c-b=a. Every morning, like brushing one's teeth, I put the Circle in place. I fill it full of violet that filters out negativity, my own as well as what is directed towards me. I add a layer of pink and white and enclose it with a Gold Mirror. The idea is that any negative energy that is directed at me will bounce back to it's source. I do not want it nor I do not want to send out negative vibes to others. Let them deal with their own crap.
I hadn't put the Circle in place much while I was in Durango. Silly me. I thought being far away was enough to protect me. I was mysteriously worn down most of the time. When work got crazy I started doing it daily. The people I was dealing with got frenzied as their way of maintaining control was no longer effective. I "got" that they were reacting to being energetically blocked. I had to remember that just because you can see evil on your doorstep doesn't mean it is in your house. I kept bouncing back what they were sending me. They collapsed and I left with a large severance check. The Drama left me weary but not particularly emotionally invested. I had taken the High Road and had "returned to sender" all the negative energy that had been sent my way.
My point being, I feel that there is something about the World Stage that has shifted and "evil" can't reach it any more. We have the choice to remove ourselves from the Drama or ignore it, continuing to live in Illusion. As "evil" looses the power that they had their desperation to regain control will drive them to make frantic maneuvers on the doorstep. It is our choice if we open the door and invite them in.
John 1:1-5 The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

An interesting link that explores some of these concepts
http://www.realitysandwich.com/psyche

Ringing in the New Year

Crossing Over
I woke up to a fabulous dream this morning of having crossed over a river to my new two story home. I was having a House Warming Party and there were so many people that showed up I had to keep going out for more treats. Someone asked how long I had been there and I said "Two weeks". Will that party be January 17th? One of the guests was a young, radiant, naked man who looked confused like he had just been woken up.

Something has changed. I've been told that my aura went from green to white recently. The look on the person's face led me to think they thought I was going to die. I don't. But I'm not the same person either. I'm having waves of Bliss that make it hard to pay attention. I'm still have those fluttery seizures but am snapping back more quickly. I care more about my brain than my face and I'm noticing that my thinking is becoming more organized. When I visualize "the perfect face" it appears as a hawk. The Ba? I'll go with that. It will be interesting to see how that translates.

I'm very happy with how things are healing. Regenerating.It was interesting loosing my appearance. While this process has taken longer than I expected it took as long as it needed. My Mask dropped off. People reacted to me differently. Some were more open to me and I could tell that some were wickedly delighted that it had happened to me.

She Finally Gets It
Going through this with my mother has brought a closeness we never had. What finally got through to her however, was our experimenting with rock energy. My mother is a very grounded and practical Taurus. Even growing up with a Christian Scientist Mother did not warm her up to metaphysics. If it can't be held in her hands it doesn't exist. Raising me has been very difficult for her.
Now one of her delights is to take her $50 seed money and play the nickle slots at the casino once a month or so. My father would always win and she rarely does though she keeps trying. So I got three rocks and charged them up for her and she has been taking them with her...and winning. We've experimented six times this past month and she probable came away with a grand all together. Her Depression area sensibilities won't let her get too far into it. And I think it was challenging her paradigm and making her uncomfortable, which is just as well. We don't want to create a addict here. LOL! Nor could she understand that it isn't something I can utilize for myself, but has to be given away. The third time we tried I "asked" my Guides to give her a boost. It had been after a couple of hours because I was preoccupied with something else. I never go with her as gambling is boring to me. At 4 o'clock I did a prayer for her. At 4 o'clock the computers at the Casino went dead. Not sure what that was all about. A lesson from my guides not to fool around? Just coincidence?The fifth time I kept getting that people were coming up to her to hold her rocks so they could win too. She came back annoyed because everyone around her was winning big. She would play a machine and with in minutes of getting off people were hitting 777. When I suggested that she was passing on her Good Luck Energy she was OK with that. The last time people were winning around her and she liked sharing since she was winning too. But we are done with that. I got my point across.
The rocks I charged for her was a rose quartz to stay joyful. Negative or greedy emotions will stop the energy flow. A Citrine to bring abundance and Malachite for money. We both "saw" the Spirit of the Malachite...an Oriental man in old fashioned red clothes clicking away on a abacus. I was surprised she could hear it also.

Necklaces
Angela doesn't want to return from California so my friend Margo the Limo Driver and her hubby John are going to EBay the jewelry for me soon. I think I will start with the Amber. For me it represents touching ancient primal energies. The Amber is raw and polished, like finding the Shine out of what is rough. It also is made up of Carnelian, Betel Nuts, Tiger Eye, Crystal, Onyx, Heishe shell and wood beads. The original I made for myself has skulls that evoked the feeling of working with the Mayan. I don't know where I'll wear it but it holds the energy of that experience. This necklace has the other half of the beads that I used that I bought when I was in Portland.As soon as John is ready I'll post his site.

Ringing in the New Year
I believe the Universe "speaks" to us if we listen. On New Years I pay attention to the moment and I feel is often gives us a sign as to what to expect in the coming year. The last hour of 2010 I was listening to Buddy Guy on TV. It brought up memories of going to his club in Chicago with friends who had played there. Those memories were a good symbol for who I was. The first hour of 2011 was watching the Queen's Trust Fund Concert in England. I think that may be a symbol of where I'm going. Before Christmas I received a card from both of my friends from England on the same day. I had found a card from Lilian from over 20 years ago and had written hoping she was still there. I had met her on a path while walking near Manchester. I think we chatted for almost an hour and then wrote to each other for quite awhile until I started moving around so much. Michelle lives in London and I met her this summer in Durango on her vacation. With both of these ladies it was as if we had been friends forever. Maybe a trip to England is in order?
Queen - Prince's Trust Rock Gala 2010 Royal Albert Hall, London
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDo01krK8C8

Elementals

Winter Solstice
There was a Lunar Eclipse during the Solstice which hadn't occured for 400 years. The sky has been overcast so the Moon Light was diffused with the clouds. I didn't see anything but I felt it. In my dreams I was part of someone's celebration. I've been working with the concept of the Four Directions for awhile now. It made no sense to me at first but I figured I'd play with it since it is part of the Alchemical literature. I call the Energies of the East, South, West and North almost every morning. In my dream last night I met the personifications of each direction.
I realize now that I embodied those feelings in some of the necklaces. The East is made of raw and polished amber with skulls. Ancient earth energies and rebirth. The South is red coral with jet. Fire, protection, ambition. West is made of unpolished turquoise and gold spirals, the necklace of the Matriarch and fulfillment of family destiny. The North is of blue beads that had hung on my porch and Evil Eye marbles. The awakening of a dark and deep intuition. Talking to Spirits.I will make copies that are similar but these Four will stay with me.

The Elementals are starting to come to me in my dreams.
Last night I was allowed to go behind the Door where they are working on a project that will last till mid September 2011. It has occurred to me that this weather may be related to their Manifesting. If that is so, then this summer should be just fabulous!
Elementals
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Classical_element
Alchemy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alchemy

Thanks to Mark Ryden for his painting.

Detour

I don't know exactly what brought on the seizures. Could have been from soaking in the hot tub drinking Gin and Tonics while talking to the birds. Or being surrounded by power rocks and crystals. I'm thinking that going to Ms. K for acupuncture on my face while hooked up to electricity might have fried a few neurons. What ever.
But it triggered a bout of not "Being Here". Not in this body, not on this planet. I was made aware that this shell I call Beth is not who I am. I wasn't even of the same species as my mother sleeping in her bed. The Cat knew though and jumped on my lap, kneading my chest like kittens do, until it passed. She's stayed close to me since.
The small piece of Logic that remained knew I had to get grounded or I wouldn't come back. What use would I be then? So I hugged the Tree in the Grove in the back. It's where Mom feeds the birds all year and has the feel of a sanctuary. It's where I send all the excess energy while I drift off in the hot tub. I've been doing that for years. The land has become a vortex of sorts with the bird bath as the center. It's where I set out my rocks and crystals in the Full Moon Light.
The seizures left me a bit "fluffy" for awhile and everyone shuffled me about during Thanksgiving, setting me in the corner till the parties were over. I didn't tell them what had happened. They wouldn't have understood. We all blamed my vacancy on the acupuncture. I couldn't focus on anything so Angela will EBay my necklaces after Christmas when she gets back from California.

The Little Girl

One of the more interesting aspects of all this for me is my mother in contact with the Little Girl. On a deeper level I feel she is a part of me that fractured off after the sacrifice with the Mayan. For my mother to believe in her reality confirms to me of her existence. She says she looks like Dora the Explorer

The first couple of times she came to her with boxes. The first had a blue jar in it and the next had a handmade doll. Maya felt that she was showing her things from past lives they shared.
Then there was the mama cat with two kittens...a basket with three compartments with a chick in one...and the last time she saw her the Little Girl came to her with a white gardenia behind one ear and a butterfly floating around the other. She took her to large ornate door and then through the jungle to ruins where she played on the steps. She hasn't come back since I've been here.

I "got" that the girl's name was SaBa. Maya said that it represents two past lives. Sa is Sumerian and Ba is Egyptian. So many memories are flooding in. I feel the three are now part of me and are just starting to blend.

Box of Rocks

Like everyone else in my family, I pick up rocks. Some carry stories. I put my stories in the rocks I used to make these necklaces. They are made of turquoise, jet, amber, hematite, carnelian and other stones that have healing properties... then charged in the Full Moon Light.
I'll be EBaying them in a couple of weeks and will post the link.

Gemstone meanings
http://crystal-cure.com/gemstone-meanings.html